If you took 3 apples from a basket that held 12 apples, how many apples would you have?       (3 !!!)

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Why do cows have bells?                ( Because their horns don't work!)

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Why do bees hum?                        (Because they don't know the words!)

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What animal can jump higher than a house?        (A house can't jump!)

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Why can't a man living in Paris be buried in the South of France?     (Because he's still living!)

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A man was injected with a deadly poison, but it did not kill him. Why?   (He was already dead!)

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An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

 

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Why are Saturday and Sunday strong days?      (Because they are not weekdays!)

 

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Why do we have two eyes, two ears and only one mouth?   (So that we can see and hear twice as much as we say.)

 

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Man:  "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God:   "So you would love her."

Man:  "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"

God:   "So she would love you."

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Which month has 28 days?       ( All of them!)

 

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How many letters are there in the English alphabet?   ( 18 letters! 3 in "the", 7 in "English", and 8 in "alphabet". Note)

 

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A man asked for a meal in a restaurant. The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man called the waiter and said:

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"

"Please don't speak so loudly, sir," said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."

 

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There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?  (2 birds. The other 3 fly away!)

 

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If a man was born in Italy, went to America and died in San Francisco, what would he be?   (Dead!)

 

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Why is the letter "T" like an island?    (Because it is in the middle of waTer!)

 

What is the longest word in the English language?    "Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

 

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What starts with "P", ends with "E", and has millions of letters?    (The "Post Office"!)

 

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What word begins with "e", ends with "e", and has one letter?    ( Envelope!)

 

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What's worse than finding a maggot in an apple?       (Finding half a maggot!)

 

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Why do witches have brooms?       (Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!)